Title: Bill Scully meets the X Cops
Category: Bill fic
Rating: PG for
language (Bill is a sailor after all)
Spoilers: X Cops (you have to have seen this episode
for this story to make any
sense at all)
Summary: Bill Scully discovers his sister on an episode of Cops
Disclaimer: Some of the lines are from the episode
X Cops and I appreciate being able to use them and they will be returned just as I found them. I do not own M&S or Bill
Scully, Fox does. Let the games begin. . .
Bill Scully Meets
the X Cops
It's a typical Saturday night in San Diego, California. Bill
Scully has just sat down in his easy chair, beer
in one hand, tv remote, in the other.
His wife Tara and their son Mathew are spending the weekend at her Sister's in Long Beach. Work has been a bitch
and all this man wants to do is catch a few scores, hoist a few beers and end his night in a blissful stupor. Little
did he know . . . . .
"Finally the tv all to myself. No big blue dinosaurs or what ever that shit is that Mathew watches." He begins
to flip through the channels. "News, weather, PBS
beg-a-thon, Cops. Hey Cops is on!"
The screen fills with images of cops and bad guys and bad guys and cops. The Cops theme is throbbing from the surround-sound
as Bill takes another chug of beer.
"Geeze! Would you look at that cop cruiser turned over on it's top. Must have been a riot." He continues watching
as he drains his can of beer.
"Two 417 suspects on foot, one block north on Holly. The tv crackles as the cops race down the street.
"Great! It sounds like they've got 'em cornered." On the screen a tall, brown-haired man in a leather jacket with his
hands raised above his head appears on the screen. Standing next to him is a small red headed woman similarly dressed.
"From the back that gal looks just like Dana."
Just then the duo turns to face the camera. Bill Scully hits the footrest with his feet, tossing himself upright.
"Hoooolleeeee shit! It is Dana! And there's that
dumb ass partner of hers too."
Bill is leaning forward. His elbows on his knees, while crushing his beer can with one fist. He tosses back his head
with his eyes squeezed shut.
"Oh no, they just showed her name across the bottom of the screen. Now every non-com on the base is gonna know
that my sister and her dumb ass partner are on Cops."
On the screen Mulder is now examining the door to the home of one Mrs. Guerrero. The woman is hysterical and Mulder
can't quite comprehend what she is saying. Meanwhile Scully is purposely avoiding the camera.
"Damn right you hide. He's got you into another fine mess." Bill Scully huffs at the screen. Mulder appears
on the screen again. "Maybe she's not the only one seeing monsters."
Bill grabs another beer and flings himself back into the recliner.
"Oh man! Now he is going to spout some alien-conspiracy-little-green-men-mumbo-jumbo-out-his-ass shit." Mulder
again appears on the screen.
"What! No little green men? I am disappointed." Bill snarls as he chugs back another drink of his beer. Scully
pulls Mulder aside.
"Agent Mulder? Can I have a word a second?"
"About time Dana. You kick his ass!" Bill Scully screams at the tv. Scully pulls Mulder aside but not out of the
range of the camera.
"Look Mulder you wanna talk werewolves to me? Knock your self out. I might not agree with you, but at least I'm
not going to hold it against you."
Bill sits bolt up right again, the beer sloshing around in the can.
"Dana," he whines, "You're soft soaping this son of a bitch!"
"I'm going to call Skinner, Mulder."
"Yes! Report his ass!" Bill yells, gulping down another swig of beer. Mulder only replies,
"Okay fine but do me a favor then, would you please escort Deputy Wetzel to the hospital and keep an eye
Scully pulls out her cell phone as Mulder leaves to interview Mrs. Guerrero. Mulder is examining the door.
"Looks like five claw marks. Just like the human hand has five fingers. Pretty much the same spread too,"
Bill shakes his head.
"How does Dana put up with this guy? He's nuttier then I thought."
After the commercial break, Scully and Wetzel reappear, his wrist covered in a bandage.
"They weren't teeth marks Mulder. They turned out to be insect bites."
"You go girl!" Bill says as he takes another long drink from his can, draining it. "You prove the bastard
"Although it was an understandable conclusion I'm sure anybody would have made." Bill throws the empty can across the
room and slumps back into his chair.
"Noooo! Dana, don't let him off the hook like that!
And look at that shit eatin' grin he's giving her!" Just
then someone on the screen says they have a disturbance down the street. Mulder and Scully climb into their car.
Scully stops the camera crew from going with them.
"No, you go with someone else."
"About time Dana, you take charge." Bill gets up on unstable feet and heads for the bathroom. On his way back he
grabs two more beers and a large bag of chips. He returns to his seat just in time to see Steve and Edy open their door.
Edy goes through his antics for the camera as Bill pops open another beer.
"Poor Dana, it's no wonder she's still in that crappy basement office. What chance of advancement does she have
with this 'A' hole for a partner." Bill takes another drink from his can and breaks open the chips.
Mulder and Scully are now back in the car after getting a
description of Chantara.
"So apparently we're on the look out for someone whose hair matches her finger nails. Bubble gum pink. That would
be a good color for you, Scully." Bill stiffens.
"He's hitting on her! On camera, in front of God and the world, he's hitting on her!" He throws back his head and
downs a long drink, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. "He's just beggin' me to kick his ass."
He mumbles. Bill Scully eats his chips and continues to quench his thirst. He slides forward in his chair with
his elbows resting on his knees.
Mulder and Scully are putting on body armor. The neighborhood is a tough one.
"What's that for? Dana, what kind of job is this," Bill whines. "You don't need kevlar clothes to be a doctor."
On the screen Mulder and Scully walk through a crack house filled with filth, drugs, and a dead body. "Dana, how can
you live working in shit like that. Wouldn't
you rather work in a nice clean hospital with attractive men who make
lots of money and would give you anything you want."
Bill pleads with the screen, his slight buzz helping fuel his emotional breakdown. The scene on the screen shifts from
the crack house to shots being fired in the street. Chantara is found dead. Mulder walks over to Wetzel.
"Hey Deputy. Are you ready to talk to me?" Wetzel gives Mulder a story about Wasp men and being scared as a kid.
Mulder leaves Wetzel to talk to Scully. "Scully, what if we're dealing with one creature, one entity that, when it attacks,
appears as your worst nightmare?"
"Worst nightmare! Worst nightmare! My worst nightmare started when Dana was partnered with you, you son of
a bitch!" Bill is once again screaming at the tv.
"Okay, well, for the sake of this argument, how would one catch something like that?" Scully asks as she
leans into Mulder.
"Jeeze! Dana, why don't you just sit on his lap, you couldn't get any closer!" Now Bill is pissed and
slightly drunk. Mulder seems to think the fear is spread like a contagion but Steve and Edy are not affected by it.
So off they trek to pay another visit to Steve and Edy. Screams are heard from the residence, the door is locked so Mulder
breaks it down.
"Bigggg macho man!" Bill Scully slowly mumbles as he slumps in his chair, his head resting on his clenched fist.
Mulder and Scully have walked into a domestic spat that neither one is prepared for. "This guy sure attracts freaks and
weirdos." Bill growls, drinking down the last drop of beer in the can. After calming down Edy, Mulder and Scully are
off once again in search of the fear monster.
Scully decides she should look at the body of Chantara Gomez in the county
morgue. Mulder hands Scully the car keys.
"All right. Make it fast. Fill the tank up with gas."
Bill Scully lunges forward in his chair, waving his can in the air.
"Just who the hell does he think he is! Orderin' my sister 'round like that. Dana should shoot him
'gian!" Bill is
slowly loosing the battle of sobriety.
Mulder and Wetzel crawl back into the police cruiser, looking for anything that will tie this case up. Wetzel confesses
"It's hard to have a fast track career in law enforcement when everybody thinks you're nuts." Mulder looks at Wetzel
"Tell me about it."
"Damn right you tell that bastard, Weasel. He is a nut if
there ever was one!" Bill slurs.
The scene shifts to the LA County Morgue. Scully is getting ready to perform the autopsy on Chantara Gomez.
Bill is slumped down in his chair.
"Oh Dana! You look like a real doctor in your lil' doctor clothes. Why couldn't you listen to dad and become
a pediacticist or a gynocologicalist." He is really looped now and getting more maudlin by the minute. Just then Scully
"Because the FBI has nothing to hide."
"Nothin' to hide! Nothin' to hide! They otta tan that son of a bitch partner of yours hide! They should
run him out of town on a rail and hang him from a high tree!" Bill is really on a roll now. He slumps back into
"That's what they otta do." Mulder steps into the autopsy bay.
"Oooh great here comes the big door buster again. Hey big door buster you stay the hell away from my sister!
She don't need you bustin' down her door. And if you do, you'll have me to answer for to it." Bill would now register
about .09 on a breathalizer test.
The camera crew follows Mulder and Scully back to the crack house in search of Wetzel. Mulder and Scully draw their
guns and creep around the back of the house. Bill sits straight up in his chair.
"Shoot him Dana! Dammit! Just shoot him for me, for your ol' Brother Bill." Bill slumps back down into his chair.
"She never did listen to me." Bill sees Mulder and Scully approaching the closet. Mulder starts to open the door.
"Nooo Dana! Don't go near the closet! Haven't you seen any scary movies, the monster is always in the closet."
Bill is beseeched with drunken fear for his sister. Mulder pulls the door open. He and Scully jump as two cameramen
tumble out. Bill jumps right along with them.
"Jeeze! Dana, that scared the shit outta me." Bill says clutching his chest. Mulder and Scully hear Wetzels
screams coming from upstairs. They rush up to see what is happening to him. Mulder finds the door stuck or locked and tries
to calm Wetzel through the door.
"Don't be afraid now. Wetzel and you're on national tv so cowboy up." Bill leans into the tv shaking his beer.
"Hear that Weasel. You do like the door buster sez and cowboy up." Just then all the doors in the house open as the sun
light streams through the windows. Wetzel is hurt but not badly. "Ohhh Weasel, don't die!" Bill nearly sobs as he takes one
last gulp of beer from his can.
It's after midnight when Dana Scully hears her phone ringing. She turns over, awaken from a deep sleep to answer it.
"Hullo", she mutters. Sitting a little farther up in bed Scully listens, and listens, and listens. "Okay, what ever you
say. Look I'll call you in the morning." Scully yawns, putting the phone back in the cradle. Scully turns back over in bed
as a scraggy haired Mulder pulls the blankets away from his face and sleepily asks,
"Who was that?" Scully looks over at him and sighs.
"It was my brother Bill."
"What'd he want?" Mulder yawns.
"I'm, I'm not sure," Scully says as she scrunches down under the blankets next to Mulder. "He was mumbling something
about a doctor and wasp men and a weasel." Scully yawns, "I think he was drunk." Mulder pulls her close.
"Maybe he's found his own X File, Scully."
~ The End ~
I would like to thank Dlynn for writing a wonderful fan fic called "All Things Bright and Beautiful". In it she has one
line about Bill Scully watching X Cops and a light went off in my head, what a great ff that would make. I only hope it did.
Also thanks to my fellow chatter on the Mulder chat FoxfireX, who is bright enough to figure out how to post to this site.
Thanks again cowgirl!