~ The Lazarus Bowl Expense Account ~

 

Walter Skinner enters his office hoping to face an uneventful day.  He wants to sneak away early and hit the links.  It's not that he actually enjoys golf but a free round, in this beautiful weather and the promise of alcohol in the clubhouse sounds really good.

 

Kimberly enters his office with a cheerful hello, and a stack of papers in her arms. 

 

"Sir, I thought you might like to review the bureau expense account that Agents Mulder and Scully have submitted.  It's from their recent trip to Los Angeles for the premier of that movie."

 

"Shit!  Kimberly is it THAT bad."  Skinner winces, grabbing the papers from her hands.

 

"Fraid so sir."  She says with a grin on her face.

She turns to leave the office and Skinner swears he can hear her laughing as she shuts the door. Skinner slumps down in his chair, murmuring. 

 

"It's never easy with these two."  He begins to scan the list.  "Dammit!"  He scowls.  "This is worse than I thought." He opens his desk and pulls out a pen.  "This is going to take some 'creative accounting' if I'm going to sneak this one past accounts. He bites down on his bottom lip, adjusts his glasses, and
straightens his tie.

 

"First we have '250.00 for limousine services'.  Okay that becomes off-i-cal F-B-I trans-por-tation." He writes. "Next we have 'dinner at Escargot'.  Okay, that becomes, meal ex-pen-ses at the snail hut.  That was easy enough."  He says, licking the end of the pen.

 

"Dancing at the Gold Club'.  Humm. . . F-B-I ex-er-cise training at Golds Gym.  That should do it.  This is easier than I thought." He spies an entry that causes his mouth to drop open.

 

"Andy's Up All Night Pharmacy.   One box of super-ribbed, extra large Trojans.'  What the fuck!  I'd kick Mulder's ass if I weren't so damn jealous.  Think Walter think.  Oh!  I got it.  One box of FBI reg-u-lation latex pro-phy-lac-tics. Thank god Scully is a pathologist.

 

Skinner rubs his hands over his bald head as beads of sweat form on his brow.

 

"Along with the rubbers it seems our 'Special Agent Fox Mulder' purchased a tube of KY jelly.  That lucky bastard!"  Skinner begins to scribble,  "One jar of Smuc-kers jelly.  Hell, let accounts try to figure that one out.

 

"Next we have. . .shit!  Mulder, you didn't!  'Fredericks of Hollywood', 2 pairs of crotchless panties and one merry widow. Humm, this is a toughy.  I got it!  Re-place-ment costs for cloth-ing dam-aged in the arrest of Fred Holly's widow. I could
go to jail for shit like this."  Skinner fumes.

 

"What the hell!  I do not believe this, 'Two massages from Debra's House of Massage'.  Man!  Those two are going to owe me BIG TIME."  He quickly scratches out Mulder's entry and adds his own.  "Mess-anger service from Debra's House of Mess-a-ges. I could write a fuckin' screen play!"  Skinner grouses.

 

"One room at the Beverly Hills Hilton.'  One room! What the hell was Mulder thinking?  He really does have a set of stones on him, big ones it would appear too," Skinner mumbles.  "Let's change that to. . . two rooms at Beverly Hiltons in the Hills.  At least the cost of that one damn room jives with the cost of two."

 

"One magnum of Champaign and a dozen oysters'.  I never picked Mulder as the drink 'em and dink 'em type but what the hell. Humm. . . one case of Shiner Bock and a dozen tuna sandwiches. I wonder if accounting will buy it if I say they fed the force.

Skinner is ready to sign off on the report and with the help of Kimberly's creative typing they just might get this one through.

 

Just then a knock is heard at the door and Agent Mulder peeks around the corner. 

 

"What is it Agent?"  Skinner barks.

 

"Umm Agent Scully and I have just filed a 302.  We are headed out on a case in. . . sir is there something wrong?"

 

"Wrong, wrong! Agent 'Super size' Mulder! What the hell could be wrong?"

Mulder appears at the elevator, just as Scully is coming to see what the hold up is.

 

"Mulder, where have you been?"

"In Skinners office. Umm. . . Scully do you think Skinner drinks on the job?"

 

"Mulder! What would make you think that?"

 

"Well he was mumbling something about a trojan and his happy widow and how he was covering their asses."

 

"Maybe he is still up set with that movie tanking."

 

"Could be." Mulder says as he places his hand in the small of Scully's back and ushers her to the elevator.

 

                        ~ The End ~